I once always had the same nightmare of solitude:
It seemed a white field, with white blades of grass waving, surrounded a giant greenish tractor which may have had silver gratings.
The white light seemed indistinct and indecisive. It softened and rounded, wavering around the edges of the tractor, its green.
The tractor whined like metal—a whining also indistinct and unclear—until the very marrow of my bones was unsettled
And I would awake startled.
Awake, the white field seemed to be the light of my open closet door, its light unceasing in the dark night,
And the green of the tractor, it seems now, was the surrounding and unlit dark green paint of my bedroom.
I know not how many times it awoke me.
This is one of two nightmares from childhood I can remember and live even now.
They both seem to cry ‘Armageddon!’ (the other more so: now I remember it as “Armageddon!”).
This one a lonely, dejected ultimatum, the other a futurist heralding of the end around Alphabet Village
As the creaking chains of a giant, metal, round but with black steel protrusions, and Death Star-like shape
Was held only by those moaning chains which seemed to tighten towards the Armageddon, which I never saw out of terror.
There is something in me—this feeling is new, sprouted now—
Something which wants these nightmares to be what I think and feel last.
Now though, the barks of my dog subsided; the rain, which pounded until my bones seemed to break,
This rain, which must have covered the barks of so many other dogs throughout the city, is gone; the water flowing down the drainpipe no longer seems to rush past its own sound;
And I am in my now blue room, nothing but books and my thoughts to occupy me.
I do not feel lonely.
I do not seem to need my mom’s lullaby of “Swing Low Sweet Chariot” to stave off these nightmares.
I have internalized them, their always triumphing terror now seems contained
So I can be happy alone, or, at least, neither crave nor fear.
But I must wait and see, for I dream again tonight.
PS: the magic page that will always jump you to the latest poem is "http://www.saintannsny.org/depart/computer/poems.html"